Relocating for your partner’s career can be an exciting yet complex endeavor. It often involves leaving behind familiar surroundings, careers, and support networks, which can lead to feelings of uncertainty, isolation, depression and loss. As a trailing spouse, your emotional well-being is of utmost importance.

The Challenges of Being an Expat Partner

Spouses who accompany their partners overseas often experience heightened feelings of loneliness, depression, and a diminished sense of self, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as trailing spouse syndrome.

The concept of a trailing spouse emerged in 1981 through Mary Bralove’s writing in the Wall Street Journal, describing the often-overlooked partner, usually the wife, who follows their spouse to another country due to work commitments. Despite the negative connotations associated with the word “trailing,” which suggests a lack of agency, the term was chosen to encapsulate the emotional reality for these individuals.

What Leads to Trailing Spouse Syndrome?

While not a medically recognized condition, trailing spouse syndrome encapsulates the unique challenges faced by these individuals. These challenges may stem from not having a say in the relocation decision.

The decision to accompany their partners abroad is multifaceted for spouses, but leaving their established lives can be tough. They may have to forsake their professional aspirations, face language barriers, struggle to secure work permits, or find suitable employment in the new country. This can lead to starting over professionally, which is daunting in an unfamiliar environment.

Family dynamics can also suffer. The absence of a supportive family network back home can strain the marriage, as the couple becomes each other’s sole source of companionship.

Children may struggle with the loss of their routine and friendships. They may become more reliant on the parent who is more present, adding to that parent’s stress. A spouse unable to work may become the primary caregiver, leading to further isolation from adult interaction.

Unlike the working expat who has the structure of a job and colleagues to help integrate into the new environment, their partner often lacks such a framework. Building a new social circle without workplace connections is an additional hurdle.

These factors can culminate in what is known as trailing spouse syndrome, akin to a type of depression experienced by expats.

The Impact of Being an Expat Partner

Trailing spouse syndrome shares many characteristics with depression, such as intense loneliness due to separation from familiar faces and a sense of aimlessness when careers are left behind. However, the most significant challenge is often the erosion of personal identity.

A loss of identity can occur when people not only change locations but also leave behind the roles and communities that define them. This might include their profession, social networks, religious affiliations, community involvement, hobbies, and household responsibilities. When a spouse moves with their expat partner without a defined role for themselves, they might feel purposeless and disconnected from their former life.

Gender Roles and Relationship Dynamics

Historically, trailing spouses have predominantly been women whose husbands’ jobs required international relocation. Although more men are finding themselves in this role today, the challenges remain similar across genders but are influenced by cultural norms and expectations. Women may not receive recognition for their lost identities, especially when they assume childcare responsibilities abroad. Men may experience additional shame on top of identity loss due to traditional family roles.

Relationship strains can arise regardless of which partner is the expat. Men who were previously breadwinners or career-oriented may feel lost without professional engagement. Cultural expectations can exacerbate this feeling, leading to ridicule or disapproval from peers. This sudden dependency on their wives can strain the marital relationship.

For women moving abroad, financial dependence on their partners can lead to feelings of depression and helplessness.

For both partners, relying solely on each other for social interaction can be challenging. Imbalances caused by long work hours or a lack of social life can further complicate the dynamics between an expat and their spouse.

Trailing spouse syndrome being overlooked

Trailing spouse syndrome seems to be overlooked or not given enough attention compared to other aspects of expat life. While there is growing recognition of the challenges faced by expat partners, it is still a relatively under-discussed topic in comparison to other aspects of the expatriate experience, such as career opportunities or cultural adaptation.

Trailing spouses may not receive the same level of support or resources as the primary expat, and their unique struggles and emotional well-being can be overlooked or downplayed. This can be due to societal expectations, cultural norms, or a lack of awareness about the specific challenges faced by trailing spouses.

The absence of a formal diagnosis or classification may lead to a lack of understanding and support.

Remember, you are not alone on this journey

Through our expertise and compassionate approach, we aim to help you navigate the emotional and psychological aspects of being a trailing spouse. Together, we will explore the range of emotions you may be experiencing, such as anxiety, depression, excessive worrying, stress, sadness, or even excitement. We will work collaboratively to develop coping strategies, build resilience amidst the challenges.

Recognizing the importance of maintaining your own identity and pursuing personal fulfilment, we will explore ways to nurture your passions and interests in the new location. Whether it’s finding employment opportunities, engaging in volunteer work, or pursuing further education, we are here to support you in discovering a fulfilling path that aligns with your goals and values.

Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Together, we can navigate the challenges, embrace the opportunities, and create a fulfilling and meaningful life as a trailing spouse